How to heal a broken heart when a relationship you had faith in goes sour?
The pain of a relationship coming to an end is a universal experience everyone shares. Novels and moves can paint a picture of how easy it is to heal a broken heart because everything happens in 2 hours or a day. Either the movie ends with people getting back together or finding something better.
Unfortunately, a real-life break up leaves a broken heart that cannot be healed that quickly. In fact, some adages such as it is better to have loved and lost than never to have fallen in love at all” only makes sense to people who are offering the advice, but they do nothing to help mend your heart.
Healing is hard and a process; we cannot predict how long it will take, and that’s why there can never be quick fixes. The truth is that there is no easy way to heal; you have to let your heart bleed. However, there are things you can do to be at peace with yourself. We hope that these tips on how to heal a broken heart will help speed up the process of recovering from a breakup.
1. Cut Off Any Ties with Your Ex
Many people think that the time it takes for one to recover from a breakup depends on how deep you were into someone or how long you two were together. However, the truth is that it depends on how fast you will accept that it happened and the chapter is over.
Once you accept and convince your mind that you are no longer together, you begin your journey to recovery and moving on. However, it is hard to accept that a relationship is over. Especially if it was not your choice to end it. ( check out our post how to break up with someone )
One thing that can help you move on is to truly step out of the relationship. Of course, this is painful, but it will give you peace of mind without getting into things that remind you of your ex. Cut ties and any contact with your Ex, at least for some time. If you keep stalking your ex on Facebook or WhatsApp stories, you will only aggravate your pain.
Therefore, go ahead and delete their contact from your phone, and also unfriend and un-follow them on social sites. This may seem immature, but it does help protect you from reminders and temptations, at least for a while. Of course, you can always add them back after your heart has healed.
By cutting off any chances of contacting your ex might generate a lot of hurting emotions in the short-term since you will be cutting off any hope of asking your ex if they will change their mind. Evidently, this makes you look jealous, but at least, you will not be monitoring your ex movements.
You might get an urge to break your own rules- to restore the contact info since you know it off-head or sneak a peek on their social media, or even ask them to hang out with you just for once, which will inevitably lead to having sex with them again.
This may make you feel better.
Especially when you see that they haven’t moved on or they agree to have sex with you again. Sex is a sign that all ties haven’t been cut, and thus there is still hope. When we break up but our ex is still willing and requesting to sleep with us, this is a sign that all might not be lost.
In fact, a study done by the University of Arizona showed that exes who can’t move on but get sex from their ex feel better. On the other hand, participants who couldn’t move on and didn’t get those booty calls felt worst.
However, the fact is that you will eventually need to move on, and although sex with an ex will make you feel better in the short-term, attachments that do not bore fruits will always tear you apart. Dua Lipa in their New Rules song said If you are under him, you are not getting over him If you keep hanging out and having sex with them, you will still be in the boat of It’s complicated and this will drag your pain for a long time. You will not be fair to your heart.
To sum this all up, no-contact will help if you are having trouble moving on. If you accept that the relationship is over and you feel whole, relieved, and free, and it no longer hurts, then you can stay as friends with them.
However, if you are stuck in lease come back, can’t accept it, or I still hope he/she will change their mind you need to go the o-contact’ way for your own health and peace of mind.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you will never contact them; once you move on, you can get back to being friends with them. No-contact is hard and challenging at first, but then it pays off.
2. Accept the Pain
“Pain demands to be felt” is a quote In The Fault in Our Stars movie, and if you think deeply about this, you will see the truth in it. Therefore, accept that you will have to feel pain for you to move on and be strong. That’s the plain truth.
When you lose something or someone that meant a lot to you, it is important and natural to feel sad and hurt about it- this feeling is an essential part of your healing process.
The problem with heart-broken people is that they keep fueling their pain over and over pain. If you keep feeding your mind with memories you had together, then you will not manage to break the cycle of pain. After feeling pain for some time, it becomes a habit, and you must break the habit.
Of course, pain is important in any healing process, but there comes a time it becomes unhealthy and begins to consume you. If you find yourself thinking of him/her for months, it is likely that your mind formed a habit without you realizing it, in the name of accepting pain. And that’s when you take measure to break the habit, and this brings us to point three;
3. Break Up With Your Old Associations
Now, it’s time to break up with those connections. Turn off music that makes you recall the memories you had with your ex. Change the setting of your home to make it look different. Put away all the gifts your ex gave you. The idea is to make your mind believe that you are starting a new journey in your life.
You can take up a new activity to keep your mind occupied. Exercises are an effective therapy to help keep stress at bay.
The point of having all these changes is to break up with the old associations that constantly reminds you of your ex and create a new environment for your new life. You don’t have to make permanent changes. A few things such as using a different cologne, deleting your ex number from your mobile, unfriending and blocking him/her on social media platforms will help.
4. Stay Busy
After accepting the pain and making changes in your life, you can now throw yourself into other productive things to keep your mind from thinking about him/her. Spend time with your friends, find a show on Netflix you can follow, go for window shopping. Try a new exercise class such as yoga, go for volunteer tasks (this is highly recommended since it helps speed up the healing process by making you fall in love with yourself), take an art class- the point is to keep your mind occupied.
The truth is that the more you dwell on your past, the more it hurts. Therefore, do whatever it takes to keep your mind busy and thinking of something else other than him/her.
5. Avoid Rewinding the Clock
Keeping yourself busy and occupied is a great way of keeping your thoughts of your ex away, but it is not fool-proof. The moment you take a shower and relax, memories are likely to pop in your mind, and before you know it, you are traveling back in time. You may even find yourself trying to figure what went wrong and what you could have done better or differently.
But is there a rewind button in life? Can you go back and do things differently? Of course, this is a fantasy. So what is the point of trying to figure out what you would have done right or differently?
Learning your lessons, feeling and accepting the pain is one thing, questioning and torturing yourself over the things you could have done better is agony.
It will not be easy, but the second you find your mind rewinding the memories, find something else you keep it distracted. You can even play a mobile phone game or crack a riddle.
6. Make a List
As much as you think that your ex was perfect, you broke up for a reason, and your relationship was not an ideal one. When love and feelings cloud our judgment, it is far too easy for everything to look ideal and rosy. Even when you know that things were not perfect, you still overlooked the flaws.
To avoid having the perfect picture of your ex in your mind, which makes you fantasize and idealize, it is time to take a pen and paper and make a list of all their faults.
Take time to think about each fault and consider how that behavior impacted your relationship. When you are done making a list of the faults, grab another paper and write about the qualities you will be looking in the next person you are dating. If you notice massive disparities in the two lists, you will come to the conclusion that your ex was never the right person for you.
7. Believe That You Will Find Someone Better
Sometimes pain changes us, and thus you could fall into the trap of thinking that your ex was the only person that could understand your worries, tolerate your flaws, and make you stay sane. But the truth is that before you met them, you had a normal, complete life. Besides, there are other six billion people on this planet.
So, why should you believe that your ex was the only person you could have loved? Are you trying to avoid coming into terms that your relationship is over? Accepting a break up has occurred, and there is no going back will open up your mind and allow it to see a future with another person.
In fact, you should visualize your next relationship. Get your mind relaxed and turn off all the music, breath in and out, and once calm and focus settles in. Think about the next person you want in your next relationship. Picture a person you will like and let your body feel him/her all over you. Visualize the good times, fun, and fulfilling relationship you would have with him/her.
Let yourself smile. You can also visualize a single you. How happy the next couple of months will be without anyone whom you are answerable to. How much time you will have for yourself and all the new people you will meet in the next chapter of your life- do you get the point. You need to see a bright and great future- a future that doesn’t include your ex. Get yourself psyched up for the next phase of life.
To wind up this topic, here are a few more things I would like you to remember:
You are not alone. Break up can make you feel as though you are the only person who has ever experienced such great, agonizing pain. However, virtually everyone has felt the pain of breaking up, and many emerged victoriously and can tell you their stories. You, too, will be part of the triumphant story soon.
You are not upset about him, but with yourself. Although your pain is sponsored by your ex, the sadness is coming from your heart desire to be loved. The trouble is that you are obsessed with the fact that your ex was the only person who could have loved your right. You need to focus on boosting your self-esteem to keep yourself from falling into the trap of obsessing about them. Once you begin to feel happy and confident about yourself, you will attract another positive person.
As a parting gift, here are some quotes on love lost:
Relationships are like grass. Sometimes it is better to leave the pieces broken than hurt yourself trying to assemble the pieces back together.”- Unknown
When you meet the right one, you will understand why it never worked with anyone else- Unknown
“We always believe that our first love is our last, and our last is our first love”- George Melville.”
Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together- Marilyn Monroe